This morning I lay weeping on my bed, tears soaking my pillow. Overwhelmed, tired, out of balance I decided that I just wanted to escape to a mountain villa where the snow is deep and the cook and maids look after everything while I sleep late, and I sit during the short days in a really comfortable chair, with Steve in another comfortable chair in front of the perfect fire place. Drinks arrive upon demand and the appetizers are perfectly presented. Lunch and Dinner are served at the dining table and we only get dressed up if we feel like it. When we do get dressed we walk on crunchy snow in warm boots enjoying the fresh air and the beautiful snow flakes falling quietly. Peace, I cry, just a little peace.
The reality is my life is peaceful and I am the one that makes it crazy and unbalanced. Each day I over commit, while staying connected to a vision of how things MUST be. This time of year there is so many expectations that I have bought into from my past and then those I have created for my present. The dozens of baked cookies, the decorations, the presents, the meals, the parties, the house full of kids and grand kids, the list is endless. So here I am, all is going well with the expectations and I am falling apart.
Time to change me and my expectations.
I won’t be running away this year but after my small melt down I have gained a bit more equilibrium. I have committed to doing what I like. This year I have a hankering for making raspberry pie. I may dig the parsnips from the garden and the rosemary plants in the green house have lovely new growth that would taste amazing on the perfect pizza or lamb roast. All of the rest will have to get done by the rest of this big family.
I want to knit this holiday season. I bought some fantastic rum and the eggnog from Blackwell Dairy is spiced just right so together they will be great in the failing afternoon light. The Alpaca yarn I am knitting with is Eggnog colour and the pattern for the hat has cables. I will sip and cable.
My candles from Honey Candles in Kaslo, B.C. have arrived. This year I ordered 2 big boxes full of many kinds. Tapers, tea lights, and columns all made from 100% bees wax. Yesterday we discovered that the fire alarms work really well in our house as I had too many candles going at once and our electronic voiced fire alarm began speaking to us in loud shrieks. With another small adjustment to candle placement it was peaceful again.
For many of us the Christmas Season is filled with mixed blessings and this year once again I am experiencing them all. The weather outside is “delightful”, all of the members of my family are safe and well, the table groans with the food load, the presents are piled high under the tree and all I need is to maintain my calm and equilibrium. We live in a country and community of abundance and blessings where possibilities abound. I am so grateful to be in my life. So today I will carefully light one of my candles or many, and acknowledge my blessed life.
To all who get this letter I thank you for being part of my blessed life. May this Christmas Holiday be peaceful and filled with joy.